I've been trying to think of a story to share with you all. Something that gets deep inside Gemma's mind and gives you a bit of insight into the person sitting at her laptop typing these words.
I'm trying to track back to my childhood and think of a tale to tell, but nothing's coming to mind. It's as though I only have brief memories of my childhood, random flashbacks of things. Nothing that's stayed with me forever and will always be a part of me. Maybe I prefer to forget the past and enjoy the present to ignore the events that I wish had never happened. To remove the dark memories and focus on making future memories brighter.
A part of me wishes I could remember more from my childhood, but when I do try and take myself back, the things I do remember sadden me. It wasn't a traumatic childhood, but I'd prefer a different one if I had the choice. There are people out there who have had worse experiences, and I feel a great sympathy for them. I feel that mine was quite emotionally straining. Some people are shocked when they hear about certain aspects of my childhood. Like the fact that my sister and I were brought up solely by our father. I love him dearly and am eternally thankful for the fact that I had such a wonderful father. A father whose main purpose in life was to ensure the happiness of his two daughters. We have a good relationship now, but I still feel somewhat reserved when I'm sharing my life with him. There are times that I feel like I'm a failure in his eyes. Got a crap UAI in my HSC, dropped out of uni, left my husband at age 22 and moved interstate, divorced at 24. They don't make me less of a person, I know that, but I feel that I should've done more by now.
I remember when I was living with a 'friend', in between leaving my husband and moving to Queensland. A feeling of complete and utter loss and loneliness overwhelmed me and I didn't know what to do. I felt hopeless. Alone. Like a complete and utter failure. I rang my dad in tears, just needing to hear a familiar and reassuring voice. I got that, but not much else. He just said that there was nothing he could do because he was too far away. Then he asked me to never ring him again if I was in that frame of mind. That broke my heart.
My mother and I have had a strange relationship. At times close, at other times distant. When we're close, it feels like we're sisters or good friends rather than mother and daughter. My boyfriends mothers have always loved me. I latch onto them and get close to them, wanting a female figure to look up to. Friendships with females seem to have a tendency to die off for me though. We'll be close, and then slowly drift apart. Much like the on/off relationship I have with my mother.
All through my life, I've looked for someone to latch onto. A companion to spend time with so that I didn't have to spend time with myself. Now I know that I need to spend time with myself, or I can't give all that I am to my partner. I need to admit to myself who I am and be proud of that person. If at any stage I don't feel proud of what I'm doing or who I am, I need to change that. There's only one person in control of my life: me. So I need to take control of it and appreciate what I have to offer. To nurture my finer points, and tweak the not-so-fine.
The person behind the blog isn't really sure who she is some days, but usually, she thinks she's a pretty okay kinda gal.
I'm trying to track back to my childhood and think of a tale to tell, but nothing's coming to mind. It's as though I only have brief memories of my childhood, random flashbacks of things. Nothing that's stayed with me forever and will always be a part of me. Maybe I prefer to forget the past and enjoy the present to ignore the events that I wish had never happened. To remove the dark memories and focus on making future memories brighter.
A part of me wishes I could remember more from my childhood, but when I do try and take myself back, the things I do remember sadden me. It wasn't a traumatic childhood, but I'd prefer a different one if I had the choice. There are people out there who have had worse experiences, and I feel a great sympathy for them. I feel that mine was quite emotionally straining. Some people are shocked when they hear about certain aspects of my childhood. Like the fact that my sister and I were brought up solely by our father. I love him dearly and am eternally thankful for the fact that I had such a wonderful father. A father whose main purpose in life was to ensure the happiness of his two daughters. We have a good relationship now, but I still feel somewhat reserved when I'm sharing my life with him. There are times that I feel like I'm a failure in his eyes. Got a crap UAI in my HSC, dropped out of uni, left my husband at age 22 and moved interstate, divorced at 24. They don't make me less of a person, I know that, but I feel that I should've done more by now.
I remember when I was living with a 'friend', in between leaving my husband and moving to Queensland. A feeling of complete and utter loss and loneliness overwhelmed me and I didn't know what to do. I felt hopeless. Alone. Like a complete and utter failure. I rang my dad in tears, just needing to hear a familiar and reassuring voice. I got that, but not much else. He just said that there was nothing he could do because he was too far away. Then he asked me to never ring him again if I was in that frame of mind. That broke my heart.
My mother and I have had a strange relationship. At times close, at other times distant. When we're close, it feels like we're sisters or good friends rather than mother and daughter. My boyfriends mothers have always loved me. I latch onto them and get close to them, wanting a female figure to look up to. Friendships with females seem to have a tendency to die off for me though. We'll be close, and then slowly drift apart. Much like the on/off relationship I have with my mother.
All through my life, I've looked for someone to latch onto. A companion to spend time with so that I didn't have to spend time with myself. Now I know that I need to spend time with myself, or I can't give all that I am to my partner. I need to admit to myself who I am and be proud of that person. If at any stage I don't feel proud of what I'm doing or who I am, I need to change that. There's only one person in control of my life: me. So I need to take control of it and appreciate what I have to offer. To nurture my finer points, and tweak the not-so-fine.
The person behind the blog isn't really sure who she is some days, but usually, she thinks she's a pretty okay kinda gal.
3 comments:
I've just read your entire blog. I've enjoyed it very much! This is Alison (from that 20sb's group). I know how you feel. I'm going through a divorce right and I'm slightly relieved - I get to spend time with me now. I get to figure out who I am. I've never been independent, really. I've always latched on to people, be it friends or boyfriends or parents. Anyway, great blog and if its alright with you, I think I'll come back again to read!
Another 20SB'er here - looks like I've got me some catching up to do, eh? I loved this post. It sounds like your childhood was a pretty intense time, and it seems only natural that you can't remember huge things about it. I guess it's the brain's way of coping with shitty circumstances :) Although events leading up to your present life seem to have been fairly tough in some ways, they're making you a stronger person now, who has so much to give herself and others.
OK, long-winded reply over - adding you to my reader!
xo
PS - Brisbane girls are all right with me!
Thanks for the comments ladies :)
Alison - of course you can come back again and read.
The girl - I confess, I'm not originally a Brisbane girl, but I'll be staying here a while :)
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