19 Minutes ... And counting!

2010 is nearly upon those of residing in the lovely state of Queensland. It's already ticked over in several Australian states, and I'm already feeling a little teary and sentimental. That could be the alcohol talking though.

As per my previous post, the last decade was an eventful one, but I wouldn't change any of it because I'm pretty fond of the Gemma I am now, and all of those decisions have contributed to who I am now.

I look forward to 2010 being another eventful year, but eventful in a good way. I look forward to breakfasts with two of my favourite girls in the whole world, and to chatting over cocktails with those same to girls. I look forward to moving into a new place, meeting new people and making new friends.

I look forward to starting courses to give me some qualifications in my industry. I look forward to further coming out of my shell.

14 minutes to go. Goodbye 2009, and welcome 2010.

xx

2000-2009

A few of my fellow bloggers have summarised the last decade as a bit of a reflection, so I thought I'd do the same.

What have I done in the last ten years?
• Became a big sister • Made my debut • Got my licence • Became an aunty • Completed the HSC • Had my heart broken at the thought that I wouldn't get into uni • Broke the heart of my high school boyfriend • Starting dating who I thought was 'Mr Right' • Got into uni • Moved out of home • Got engaged • Watched my father-in-law die of cancer • Quit uni • Depression began • Moved 3 hours away from my family • Became an aunty again • Got married • Moved back to live with my husband • Depression reared it's ugly head again • Seperated from my husband • Moved further and further away • Moved about 8 times in one year, including a move to Queensland • Explored my 'wild side' • Quit a job via fax • Fell into an awesome job • Started a relationship • Spent my first Christmas ever away from my family • Got divorced • Earned 3 payrises • Ended a relationship • Got three tattoos • Discovered more of Gemma • Made some fabulous friends • Depression kicks in again • Found contentment

Wowzers. Looking at it like that, it's been an eventful decade (which I kinda knew already). I wouldn't change it though. Despite the extreme lows that I have had, and as cliche as this will sound, they have all contributed to the person I am today, and you know what? I like her. Most days.

Here's to an awesome 2010, and no doubt another interesting decade to come. Let's hope there are more high highs than low lows though.

xx

Friendship

Throughout my life, I've been one of those people that's had many acquaintances and a few close friends, but the close friendships always seem to have their 'time' then dissipate.

Now though, I finally feel as though I have close friendships that will continue as we grow older and continue on our journeys through life. Friendships that won't just have 'their time'.

It's taken me a long time to find them, but I'm happy to have waited given how wonderful the friendships are. These are the friends I can turn to when I'm at my worst and know that they will do what they can to pick me back up, and I would do the same for them.

I'm so grateful for my beautiful friends.

xx

Tuesday Morning Ramble

Just a quick post before I jump into the shower (not literally, that could cause injury).

The side effects seem to be wearing off now. I knew this week would be easier as I'm on the late shift, which means I don't start work til 10.30 and can allow myself a lot longer to wake up in the morning - although this morning my body clock thought 5.30 would be a good time to wake up. Nice.
Having said that, as I was sitting on the bus on the way to work yesterday I felt so completely out of it. On another planet out of it. Freaking out out of it. I contemplated getting off the bus and getting on the first one back home.
I soldiered on though, and made it through work. After a particularly bad thought on the way to the bus stop I decided that it would be best for me to see a counsellor sooner rather than later, so I made the most of work resources and have scheduled a counselling session for Thursday afternoon. As soon as I hung up the phone after making the appointment, I felt relieved. Whilst there's not really a lot that can be done to alleviate my current blahness and blues, it'll be good to speak to someone and just get my thoughts out.

I'd love to write more, but I really must start getting ready. I have a desk to pack up and tidy, and 3.5 hours of systems testing to do. Oh what joy.

xx

Welcome to Side Effect City

Despite having been on this particular medication twice before, this time around, I'm being hit with some horrid side effects.

Nausea, insomnia, dizziness, vagueness. Oh what joy. When I'm on the 'early shift' (7.30 start) I wake up at around 5.30 and it takes me until about 10am to actually be 'with it'. Those first couple of hours of the work day, I'm in a dazed auto-pilot mode. Ridiculous. Dizziness is usually at it's worst then too (I take the medication in the morning with my breakfast, so this is probably why they're in full swing then), to the point where I feel as though I may faint. Fun times.

The insomnia is the worst part though. I can be absolutely dog-tired, and want and need to sleep, but it just doesn't happen. It's so frustrating! No afternoon naps for me! At night, I take a herbal sleeping tablet, and let that work it's magic, even those take longer than they should to kick in though. Generally, you're supposed to take one half an hour before bed. I have to take one at least an hour beforehand. I tend to get better/deeper sleep when I take them though, so it's not all bad.

On the plus side of the medication, I'm feeling a lot less 'blah' and am no longer crying for no apparent reason in the morning. The 'can't be bothered' feeling has disappeared, although at times the 'slow on the uptake' feeling feels a little like the 'can't be bothered' one, hahaha.
At this stage, a lot of this is probably just a mind-game, because it will take a few more days for the medication to really kick in properly, but any improvement is a win for me. (Having said that, the side effects are that bad today that I've called in sick to work. Sigh.)

The thought of Christmas being only two weeks ago excites me more than upsets me now. I'm going to enjoy my morning and lunch to myself, doing whatever I please. Might as well make the most of solo Christmas's before the future of hectic two-family-children-everywhere Christmas's hits me in years to come. (No, I'm not revealing anything there. Just suggesting that in the future, Christmas's may well be like that rather than seeing me sitting on the couch indulging in a solo seafood lunch).

On that note, I need to switch the brain off.

Happy Friday, readers.

xx

Not so Delightful December

Long time no blog. So slack, but then again, I've not really had much to say. Life has been moseying along, working, not much playing, lots of not much-ing actually. Although I did go and visit my family two weeks ago. It was so fantastic to see them, and so hard to leave ...

So hard to leave ... December is going to be a hard month this year. I have no family in Queensland (well, maybe a few distant relatives, but none that I could enjoy the festive season with) and obviously my friends have their own plans. It really hits home how lonely I am. The last two Chrismtas' in Queensland I was in a relationship, and we spent Christmas with his family which was lovely. This year however, it's me myself and I.

I've had offers of lunches and evenings spent with friends. I'm still umming and aahing on the lunch, but the evening sounds like a plan. If I lunch it alone, I plan on indulging in a seafood and champagne lunch, whilst watching several cheesy movies. In theory it sounds lovely, in reality, I think it's going to hurt. Calling dad on Christmas Day will break my heart. I'll be fighting back the tears from the moment I hear his voice.

As soon as this month started, the struggle really began for me to remain happy and 'festive'. I knew deep down though, that this was not just 'festive season blues' and that this was something that I had been avoiding admitting to for a few months. This was me falling deeper into a depressive slump.

After a breakdown at work on Thursday, I headed to the doctor. $69, a lot of tears, a few soggy tissues, and a prescription later, I walked out knowing that my journey out of this hole had begun. He is a fantastic doctor, who let me sit there and sob while I struggled to put into words what I was feeling, apart from telling him that I just wasn't coping with life, that I'd been on medication for depression twice before. Some of his questions made me realise how far I've fallen when they made me sob uncontrollably and all I could do was nod or shake my head for an answer. He gave me the script, told me to take the next day off work to "Just relax!" and requested that I come back in about a month to see how I'm going on the medication and to assess me to see if he thinks I'll need a referral to see a psychologist. I like this plan. I'm glad he didn't just send me off to a psych straight away while my brain was still misfiring, and without me being back on medication to help sort me out.

Depression is something I have lived with on and off for the last 4-5 years. Possibly longer? It takes a pretty big trigger for me to fall right into the slump, and me thinking I'm coping, but still having an internal struggle is really me in a 'not so deep' pothole, rather than the massive pit like ones that see me break down completely. That see me thinking bad bad thoughts.
I know that with the medication, and probably counselling/psychology sessions that I won't stop going to because all of a sudden on things changes to make me happy, that I can deal with this. I'm not going to say "get over this" because I don't believe that depression is cureable. I believe that it's coped with, it's treated, or it's masked. Never cured.
I accept the fact that I have depression. I accept the fact that I need medication to cope with my life. I accept the fact that this is going to be a bad month, so probably the best month for me to have started back on the medication, because a lot of my mood improvement is going to rely on me working in conjunction with the medication. As much as I fight myself to get motivated, to move, to actually be productive, I know that I can do these things. I need to assure myself that it is worth the effort, and getting on the couch isn't really that hard to do.
It's not going to be an easy journey, and I accept that too. I have support from my friends, and work colleagues, though so that will be a major help in this.

I have faith. I will pull myself out of this slump. I will smile and mean it. I will have a happy Christmas.

More ink?

Tattoos really are addictive. I got my first in May of this year, my second in July, and today I've sketched up some potential designs for my third. Three in one year. Hmm. At this rate I should have my body covered in how many years? (Fear not, readers, I do not intend on getting that many tattoos).

So what are you thinking for tattoo number three, I hear you ask (or at least, the voices in my head suggest you're asking)?
For this one, I want cherry blossoms on my hip at the front. My descriptions of tattoo locations unless blindingly obvious (eg. inside of my wrist) are, quite frankly, pathetic, so that's the best description you're getting from me on the location until such time as I have said tattoo permanently marked onto my body.
Google searches failed to give me much inspiration on the exact tattoo I'm after, so out came the newly purchased pencil and sketchbook and I whipped up a few designs. For your viewing pleasure, if you're that way inclined, I present to you the first draft, very roughly sketched options for my next inking:

(The last one would also go from side to side like the other two, I just forgot to rotate it before I uploaded it, and I'm feeling a little tired and lazy at the moment so CBF changing it)

I think I might incorporate some colour into this tattoo too, probably pink.

Singledom

So I'm sitting here, home alone, on a Saturday night / wee small hours of Sunday morning watching a re-run of Good News Week chuckling along, until I start to get a little annoyed.

Apparently last Thursday was Australia's inaugural National Singles Day. The coupled up members of the panel found this quite amusing and proceeded to pretty much bag out singles. Suggesting that there would be a triathlon consisting of "Crying, crying and masturbating". Nice. Yes, a part of me can see the humour, but I've been a bit jack of being single at the moment so it did irk me somewhat.

Why is it that if you're single you seem to be treated as somewhat of a social pariah by non-single friends? I know I'm not the only one who's experienced this. I've chatted to two other friends about this recently and they have totally understood what I was talking about, where I was coming from and they too had experienced it. One even told me of being invited to a friend's birthday party. There were several couples, and him. He felt so completely uncomfortable that he gave the birthday girl the money for his meal, and left before it had even come out to the table. He explained that he didn't feel comfortable, and left. Several months later (eight or so!) she spoke to him and apologised for what had happened and said she could now see why he felt so uncomfortable. Regardless of the apology, surely she would've realised when doing the inviting that the numbers weren't exactly balanced.

Now, I've not spent much of my life as a single gal. Between my ex-husband and my ex-boyfriend there was an eight month gap (a very messed up eight month gap that I really didn't enjoy or use to my advantage) and this time around I've been single for nearly 6 months. I'm certainly enjoying it a lot more this time, I'm enjoying learning more about myself and enjoying having time to myself, to make my own decisions and to live my life as I see fit. What I don't enjoy is feeling like I have some kind of disease because I'm not in a relationship.

I would rather be single and happy, then in a relationship and unhappy. Simple as that. Funnily enough, I'm at a point in my life where I'm the most 'ready' for a relationship that I've ever been, and the whole 'being single' is starting to shit me to tears, but it was still my decision to put myself in this position and I still stand by that decision. This decision does not make me socially inept. It makes me a strong and independent woman who's not afraid to get what she wants. Can everyone in a relationship say that about themselves I wonder?

Okay, hackles down now. Apologies for the long hiatus between blogs!

Signed,
Single, it's a way of life, not a disease.

Gratitude

Inspired by another bloggers latest post, I've decided to blog about the things I am grateful for today. Positivity out = positivity in.

Today I am grateful for ...

• the roof over my head and the warm blankets on my bed
• having the day off to sort out some issues and just enjoy Being Gemma
• my friends who are near and dear to me, who I know I can turn to when I am down and they will accept that, listen to my worries and, where possible, try to help
• the sun shining brightly outside - I think I might have a backyard picnic for lunch

What are you grateful for?

What'll They Think of Next?!

A little over two weeks ago, I succumbed to the pressure & ordered me an iPhone. (Pressure & it became available on the plan I was already on, who wouldn't cave?)
I digress. So on Monday last week, I became a mother. The child? My iPhone. I am in love, it has become my child. I've stopped short of naming it, but that doesn't seem like such a bad idea... Digressing again! Oops! So, now I has me an iPhone which in turn means I'm accumulating some funky apps. Apps that allow me to Tweet on the go, feed my Facebook addiction where'er I be and, as of this morning, one that's enabling me to compose this post while travelling on the bus to work. For someone who loves to multitask, this baby of mine is a delight.
And to think I'd spent so long saying that my previous mobile (the uberest of uber basic phones) would do the job & finding numerous reasons why I needn't give in & get an iPhone.
I shall now hang my head in shame.

Happy Thursday readers, one sleep til Friday xx

*knock knock* Anyone home?

It's been a while since I've last blogged. I've been meaning to blog, but have lacked ideas for posts. Life is moseying along nicely, with nothing noteworthy to report.

August already? Where is this year going?! Yesterday marked 4 months of singledom. That time has flown and they've been an interesting but fantastic 4 months. In that time friendships have grown, and new ones made. A couple lost along the way, but in love and frienships, if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.

Life continues to be wonderful. The rollercoaster seems to have turned into a lovely steady train ride. There was a slight derailment just recently, but that ended up being a blessing in disguise. As mentally draining as it was, I think I needed the release. It was also great to share that moment with M, as we were able to learn more about each other. He's seen me at my worst now, but is still willing to be in my life, so I'm a happy camper.

Physically I'm not feeling *quite* so wonderful, but that's my own fault. I've decided it's time for a health-makeover. My stomach hasn't been happy with me lately, so it's time to listen to my body and to nourish it with good food, and a lot less fast food. If I've got the energy to walk to the shops and buy crap for dinner, I've got the energy to stand in the kitchen and cook a proper meal.
I'm sick of looking down and seeing a gut. The scales might tell me a number I'm happy with, but the reflection in the mirror isn't one I'm quite as happy about. Bye-bye flab, hello fab.

On that delightful note, I should probably start getting ready for work. We've moved up in the world and are a whole floor higher than we were last week. I'm happy with the seating arrangement for the first time ever, so it'll be a nice change.

Happy Monday readers, and I hope your lives are moseying along nicely too.

Productivity

I'm having a 'Gemma Day' today. My company allows employees to have two 'Special Needs Leave' days per year of employment, so a couple of weeks ago, during a bout of stress, I decided to book one in and have a day to myself.

I plan on overhauling my wardrobe and aagetting a better organised to chaos ratio happening. I've started already and have discovered two things: 1- I own far too much dark clothing. You'd be forgiven for thinking I had emo tendencies; 2- I'm fairly certain my clothing breeds. Seriously. I got rid of numerous bags of clothing before I moved here in April, and I'm culling more clothes now. I know I've bought clothes since, but these are old items that I'm throwing out. My clothes are breeding. That's my excuse.
I'm also going to reduce the number of hanging clothes I have. I don't have a chest of drawers or anything, but I'm going to have tubs for my pjs and gym clothes so that I can actually look through the clothes that are hanging. At the moment, the clothes either hang or live in piles in my room. Oops. Time to make my room more like a haven and less like a hovel!

Furthering my homely duties today, I'm going to cook up a storm. Well, not literally, I'm fresh out of thunder and couldn't find any at the supermarket. Ba boom tish.
What's on the menu?
Anzac Biscuits (excuse my modesty, but I make fricken awesome Anzac biscuits!), peppermint-choc chip muffins (never made them before, but was looking at the essences and decided that peppermint looked like a good choice!), and either tuna bake or creamy pasta bake.
Nommedy nom noms.

Once all of my domestic duties have been completed, it'll be time to indulge in some DVD watching which will no doubt continue into the evening. Why the heck not, hey?

Happy Friday readers

xx

Clarity

So. I did what I had to do and I'm sure the time that I am posting this (9.35pm) is indicative of how well it went.

However, I am glad that I am home at this time. I tried to enjoy myself but my heart wasn't in it, and I knew it wasn't where I'm supposed to be.
I'm really glad that that was the case too, because I'm liking, no LOVING, the way my life is going at the moment and I really didn't want to throw a spanner in the works. I'm happy to mosey along with things they way I have been and enjoy each day.

I got some fantastic news today too. Looks like it's going to be three fabulous weekends in a row for me.

Dear readers, I hope you are all as happy with your lives right now as I am with mine. If not, I hope you find that happiness very very soon.

xx

Cryptic Confusion

I'm doing something tonight that I've put off twice now. I even considered putting it off again. Until last night, when I was looking at my Facebook profile and saw the lyrics I have underneath my picture. The same lyrics I have on my wall above my mirror: "Don't hold back and always know, all the answers will unfold". These lyrics come from the song Soar, by Christina Aguilera.* (Don't hold it against me that I like her music, this song got me through a LOT of crap times. Also, my music taste is actually quite broad, so some pop is bound to sneak in there).

"Don't hold back" were the words that hit home and made me think 'What the heck, might as well do it and see what happens'. So I'm going to do it. And see what happens.

I'm nervous and still considering being too sick to go, which may not be too far from the truth as I do have a bit of a cold at the moment. Not to mention it's probably going to be a pain in the arse to get there. I'd feel bad if I tried to postpone or cancel again though. So I have to just go, enjoy myself, and see what happens.
My task for the day - focus on those lyrics.

xx

*please excuse the crappy vision on that you-tube clip. I wanted to link the song rather than just the lyrics, and I just clicked on the first one that came up in the search. Meh.

You Know You're ... When ...

(A fun post for a sleepy Tuesday evening)

You know you're short when you buy a pair of 'short length' pants and they still need to be taken up!
You know you're a bargain hunter when you pay $33.90 for $79.97 worth of items!
You know you're PMSing when you snap at one of your nicest colleagues (oops!)
You know you're tired when you couldn't be bothered thinking of any more 'You know you're ... whens' after only three.

Share you 'You know you're ... whens'

xx

Ink, Wonderful Ink

Yesterday I sat through an hour or so of needle-induced discomfort and allowed a strange man to permanently mark my skin.
This is the result:
I love them. They're making sitting, sleeping and wearing clothes difficult, but they're worth it. They've certainly dulled my desire for more ink - for a while at least. This experience was certainly more painful than the last, but these two babies are considerably larger than my first one! The pain itself was bearable, and as I told a potential customer outside the parlour, it's a good pain, and if hurt that much, people wouldn't get them.

Oh, and this was just one part of another awesome weekend.

Did I mention I love life right now?

xx

Friendship, Exercise & New Ink

This last week has been fantastic. M and I have been chatting every night and we had a sleepover last night to watch State of Origin. It was such a fantastic night. Once again, I felt ridiculously comfortable in his presence. Such an awesome feeling :)

He's encouraging me to get my butt into gear and exercise. I was all ready to sit in my room and veg out online in my trackie-dacks, but somehow he convinced me to go the gym, so off I went and did a pretty full-on cardio workout. Now I've got the bug again, and am seriously considering walking home from work tomorrow (about 5kms). I need to get myself fit and do some serious training for the Bridge to Brisbane which is fast approaching (30th August). I'm determined to beat last years time, which I'm sure I'll do fairly comfortably, but I'd really like to better it by about 9 minutes.

And in other news, I booked myself in for my next tattoo! At 3pm on Saturday, this happy little blogger will arrive at the tattoo parlour, and shortly after, the needle will hit the skin and the inking will begin! I'm getting two wings on my lower back. I'll be sure to post pictures. A sure indication that ink is addictive - I got my first only 10 weeks ago!

Hope everything is well for you all, dear readers .
xx

High On Life

Don't say I didn't warn you that I ride quite the emotional rollercoaster!!

Here I am, back at the top of the rollercoaster, and I'm hoping I stay up here for a while. Not keen to go zooming back down thanks!

It all started with a fantastic weekend. I met my new friend M, and ended up spending the next 36 hours with him. They were 36 of the most awesome hours ever. I haven't felt that comfortable in someones presence for a long time (ever?). I can't even remember the last time I spent that much time with someone! No awkwardness, just awesomeness. It really makes me smile.

Today was a bit of a blah day at work, and I did have a bit of a whinge to my colleague at lunchtime. I also very nearly fell asleep. Oops.

A second wind hit me when I got home though (or perhaps it was the sugar from the chocolate I had) and I was disgustingly/delightfully productive. I went for a walk to return a DVD (was cranky with myself for not wearing the appropriate clothing to jog! Shock!), before I left I put a load of washing on. I cooked myself a proper-ish meal, transferred the clothes to the dryer, coloured my hair, shaved legs and armpits ... Unheard of for me on a weeknight! Especially a Monday night!

Then it all improved when I was invited to watch State of Origin with M on Wednesday night. I'm really looking forward to hanging out with him again. Oh, and bless him, he's even going to pick me up from work and drop me off in the morning. He's seriously a totally lovely guy, and I feel so happy to have met him. Yes, I realise I'm talking about 'Yet Another Guy' but meh. I'm single and I'll do what I want. I have faith that this is the start of a wonderful friendship.

Right now, my life rocks.

Beginning the Ascent

Okay, so, my last post was work related. I'd hit a really low point, and was ready to bail. Now, with a clearer head, I know that it's not the wisest idea unless I can find a totally awesome job somewhere. I work for a huge company, and was incredibly lucky to get my position as my boss does not normally hire peope without experience, yet after a 6 week stint as a temp, I was offered a permanent position. In my first year of employment I received two bonuses, two pay-rises and several 'well done' vouchers along the way. I'd be stupid to leave a job like this in a hurry. So I'm going to wait it out, and try and find other ways to fill my life with joy.

For the most part, I do enjoy my job. I enjoy the fact that I do play an important role and I am needed. It'd be nice if a little extra appreciation was thrown my way, but I've just got to 'suck it up, buttercup'. I know that the people who count know that I do a good job, and when crunch time arrives, I am recognised for my efforts. Just being a whinger. Hehe.

So now I begin the ascent back up the rollercoaster.

Time For a Change

I can't say too much at the moment, but I've reached breaking point and there's a certain aspect of my life that needs to change. A girl can only take so much ...

Blah-ness

This week was a bit of a nothing week, hence the lack of blogging. I get like that sometimes; loads of things to blog about one week, bugger all the next.

I've just been working, eating and sleeping. Oh, and I went to the movies with my housemate on Thursday night and had myself a little adventure on the way. Scared the shit out of me, but once resolved I couldn't stop laughing. It's too embarrassing to share here though. Yes, it was THAT bad!

Plans for Europe are still in place. Only thing I can do at the moment is save, and I'm trying, but I'm a shocker with money. I'll get there though. If I'm meant to go, I'll reach my goal. Disgustingly positive attitude, and not entirely practical, but that's how I roll peeps, that's how I roll. I did make a 'Europe related purchase' this week actually. I was in a store and spotted a rather nice coat. A nearby sign suggested that it was 30% off but I wasn't certain and needed to start heading back to the office. So I checked online and found (if not the same one, then a very similar one!) the jacket - for less than the instore price! I purchased that little baby, and now it's being shipped to me. You're going to think me insane for saying this, but I hope it stays cold here in 'sunny' Queensland for a little while longer, just so I can trial run my new coat.
Here she is:
I bought her in black. She's not as pretty, or quite as practical, as the one I lusted after a few posts back (I did go and check that one out IRL though, and lusted some more) but she was also considerably less. In black, she's going to look way stylish. I'll try and remember to show her off when she arrives.

Aside from happy things like adventures and coat purchases, I've had a bit of an emotional week. Riding the good ol' rollercoaster of life. Happy as Larry (maybe I should change my name to Larry and then I'll be happy all the time?!) one minute, in tears the next. Okay, maybe not quite that emotional, but certainly within the space of a day I've gone from sublime happiness to tears and 'why me?' thoughts. I've been wondering lately if I should go back to a psychologist. I saw one about 18 months ago, but stopped seeing her earlier than I should've. Stupid emotions making me think I was 'better' than I was. If I can find the time and money, I think I might. Would be nice to be able to vent and have a sounding board.

I'm trying to stay upbeat and in love with life, to focus on the positives and appreciate what I do have. Like friends who decide at 10pm on a Friday night that they feel like eggs so we should do breakfast the following day. And the ability to work paid overtime to help out with savings for my European Adventure. And getting dolled up to celebrate a friends birthday. A fun day ahead - if I don't think about the housework too.

Happy weekend, readers

xx

Challenge 7: Fifteen Facts

Blog This Challenge 7
Tell us fifteen facinating, far fetched, frightening, funny or frivilous facts about yourself. Those bits of trivia that are floating around in your life.

Can you eat 10 burgers in one sitting? Do you sleep with your eyes open? Can you tie a cherry stalk into a knot? Speak 5 different languages?

All those things that you've bored your friends and family with for years - We want to know.

1. I'm currently addicted to scarves. I can't wear them often enough. I heart them.
2. I once had 12 inches cut off my hair. It felt so liberating. I doubt I'll ever grow my hair that long again. It's currently about 4 inches long all over.
3. I have the ability to drive a manual car, but haven't done so in over 2 years. I'm considering hiring a car one day just to refresh my memory.
4. I've fallen asleep with my eyes open, and conducted a conversation with my dad while I was sleeping. I remembered the conversation, but had hoped it was a bad dream, as it was about a neighbour who had passed away.
5. I'm terrible at keeping in touch with people, and often consider getting back into contact with people from my past but don't because I feel slack for not having been a better friend.
6. I'm a hopless romantic. I believe that 'Prince Charming' is out there somewhere.
7. I get bored easily and almost constantly seek excitement.
8. I loathe the number 6, and am not particularly keen on the number 13 either. I will go out of my way to avoid the number 6. If I'm reading a book before I go to sleep, I will hesitantly stop at the end of chapter 5, and convince myself that I can stop there because I've only read 5 chapters. If I stop at the end of chapter 6, I tell myself it's okay because I'm up to chapter 7.
9. Once upon a time I didn't like the taste of coffee, now I love my caffiene fix in the morning and really appreciate a great coffee.
10. I love to cook, but don't cook proper meals often enough. This is partially due to not having the motivation to cook for myself, and partially because I don't like being the first to taste my food.
11. I fear death.
12. I don't tell people what the fondest memory I have of my pa is because I'm afraid they'll think bad things about him. I doubt society today would look at it in the same fond light as I do. That saddens me.
13. I can't remember the last time I told my father I loved him, but I do and he means the world to me.
14. I don't get to see my family as often as I would like, but I don't like to go to the area they live in as it upsets me and makes me feel uncomfortable. It no longer feels like home.
15. I have a secret that I'd love to share with you all, but I'm afraid you'd laugh at me and I don't handle criticism well.

The Week That Is ...

After my fun-filled Saturday, I've had a pretty cruisy week thus far. Three failed attempts to catch up with One Particular Boy from Saturday night, work and lots of internet-ing. Far too much of the latter actually. Tsk tsk.

One Particular Boy and I spoke of going to the movies on both Monday and Tuesday nights, but he's been working far too much overtime and, bless his socks, he's been getting home feeling too tired to go out. Then last night was State of Origin (and we shall not mention that again!) and we were going to catch up, but his dad turned up at the wrong time and it just wasn't going to be worth him coming up my way. Ho hum.

Tonight I'm going to see Wil Anderson which I'm really looking forward to. After my ticket dramas (ie. I lost it!) it's handy to know that the venue accommodates for fools like me, and I've been instructed to collect a 'Lost Ticket Pass' - here's hoping it's not something huge and embarrassing that draws attention to the fact that you can't keep track of one piece of cardboard for a mere couple of weeks! It'll be a fun evening, I'm sure. Hopefully I'll have nice people sitting near me, as I'm going alone. I've missed out on too many events in the past by trying to organise people to come with me, so I bit the bullet this time and opted for a date with myself.

Tomorrow night we have EOFY ('End of Financial Year' for those not up, or is it down, with the lingo) drinks for work. Now THAT will be fun. Especially with no boyfriend at home waiting for me/worrying about me. Let's not go there though, this is supposed to be a happy post ;)

There's a possibility I'll get to see One Particular Boy tomorrow night too. So please please please keep your fingers crossed for me. I Like this one and am super keen to see him again. Oh. Crap. I said 'Super Keen'. About a boy. Hmmm.

I shall run along now, and try and rid the thoughts of One Particular Boy from my mind (ha!). After all, I'm supposed to be having a year of being single ...

xx

The Weekend That Was

I love awesome weekends. The ones that are just fun-filled and you look back on it on Sunday night and don't feel like you wasted a single minute (although you probably did, but the unwasted minutes were that great that they overrule the wasted ones). I was lucky enough to have an awesome weekend this weekend.

Saturday I lunched with the ladies, and Trudy and I shared a bottle of bubbles in celebration of my divorce-a-versary. Then we headed to the pub for a cocktail. Oh how I love cocktails.
The Southbank Markets were on, so we decided to wander around them. I love markets, and soon discovered that going to the markets whilst slightly intoxicated is not the best idea. Although I do love my purchases! (Two funky pairs of earrings, a 'Rex Manning Day' t-shirt, a cute belly bar & a pair of earrings that were purchased by a friend as a belated birthday present)

Back to the pub for a jug. Trudy encouraged a little Trixie to come out when I spotted a couple of cute boys. Haha. Trixie wasn't ready to come out though, so I ended up with a pint of beer that I really didn't feel like drinking!
Home by about 5-5.30pm and I was ready to keep going. Or sleep. Keep going it was, and I headed out to meet up with a friend.

What a night.

Drinking, dancing, playing the tambourine so hard that I bruised myself. An unknown cut on my foot, and some kind of black tar-like substance on my feet. Good times, good times.

Drunken wisdom had me stay at a friends place much further away from the city than my own place. Then in the morning we realised that I had no way of getting home as the friends car was not at the house. Fortunately this was soon remedied, and I got back to my place sometime around 9.30-10 this morning. Not a bad effort in my books!

I really enjoy nights like last night. Having an absolute blast and not having a care in the world. It was the first time I'd been out with this group of friends, but hopefully not the last. I did tell a few of them (numerous times I think!) that they were my new best friends and they weren't allowed to go out again with out me. I amuse me.

And now it's 10pm and time for me to try and get some shut eye.

Here's to fun times with fun friends.

xx

"It's a small world after all..."

Talk about a freaky Friday! Rather than try and work out a comprehensible way of describing what happened to encourage me to draw this conclusion, I shall summarise in point form:

Before continuing however, please note that I live in a different city and state to the one in which I grew up, and to get to my home town, you'd need to head south and continue driving for about 17 hours.

• I take a call from a broker
• My computer freezes and we chat about random things
• I discover that this broker got married in a town about 1 hour north of my home town & that her husband grew up in this area
• My computer continues to be uncooperative so I say I'll call her back
• I am finally able to search for her email, and recognise her surname
• When I call her back I mention that I worked with a lady with the same surname
• She asks me what this lady's name is ... It's her sister-in-law!!!

Crazily small world, dear readers, crazily small world.

Do any of you have any small world stories to share?

Time for Reflection ... and Celebration

I should wait until Sunday to write this post, but I plan on killing numerous braincells on Saturday night, and doubt I'll be in the mood to write this. Let's be honest, I doubt I'll be in the mood for anything bar mindless television and greasy food (before long, the proprietors of my local takeaway will be able to pick when I've been out the night before).
But I digress ...

So, what I reflecting on, and celebrating? And what is so significant about Sunday?
Sunday marks the 1st anniversary of my freedom, ie. my divorce.

My ex-husband and I seperated early in 2007. I had begun to doubt my place in the relationship, and my feelings towards my him. Add in the fact that I was extremely unhappy with where my life was going (crappy job, and little chance of changing it; spending my days being a 'housewife', at home, alone, dwelling ...) and it wasn't a good time.
We spoke openly and honestly and I confessed that I didn't love him like I once did, and I wasn't sure if I ever could again. My heart was breaking for both of us. I felt like a failure, and I felt like I'd let him down. It appeared that somewhere, deep down, he understood though, because he asked me "If you could ever love me like you used to, would you want to?" (not the exact words, but close to it).
I hesitated, and in that hesitation was my answer. This was the man I had married. The man I had promised to love for the rest of my life, and I couldn't bring myself to say that I did want to love him in the same way as I did when I made that promise.
It was over.

The time between then and now has been liberating, strengthening, emotional. A complete rollercoaster of emotion. It was not a clean break, as there was financial involvement, and I found myself experiencing some incredibly dark days, and some very disturbing emotions. Somehow, I held my head high, soldiered on, and got through it. When I think back on how low I was feeling during my worst days, I'm amazed at my own strength.

I did have some support during the divorce procedure, in the form of my now ex-boyfriend. I'll be eternally thankful to him for being there, and for wiping away my tears. For hugging me, and holding me, and just letting me sob.

The day the divorce papers arrived, I didn't know how to feel. Relief was one, as that chapter of my life was closed, and my ex-husband and I could now go on with our new lives. At the same time though, I felt like a failure. Divorced at 24. I remember signing for the papers, then closing the door and just looking at them. Then I sat on the lounge and cried uncontrollably. I wasn't even sure why I was crying, and I still don't really know. Pick an emotion and there's a good chance I was experiencing it in that moment.

On June 21, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and I had a new lease on life. I was officially divorced. While deep down inside I was still experiencing the sadness, I found the strength to laugh, and to remind myself that I'm only human. I'm not the first person to go through this, and I won't be the last.

It was the best decision for both him and I. We've both now moved on. He recently became a father, and I recently became single again. When we were together, I was the one desperately wanting to start a family, and he was the one who was happy for things to keep going as they were and just enjoy life together. Funny how things change. Now the idea of having children scares the shit out of me to be honest. I couldn't be happier with my life though. Sure, I still have crappy days, but if I look at all the good in my life, I'd be a fool to complain.

I don't regret getting married, but I do regret the fact that I couldn't stay true to my marriage vows. I also regret the fact that I've made my ex-husband apprehensive about marrying again. He doesn't deserve to feel that.

Normally, when it comes to regret, I prefer to say "Mistakes made, lessons learnt", but sometimes the mistakes are a little too big to be considered mistakes. So I'll allow myself that one regret. Wedding vows should never be considered a mistake, and in that moment, I did believe every word I said.

Onwards and upwards, I'm being true to myself, and in turn, I'm being true to him. I wish him every success in life, and I hope that he feels the same.

Here's to life, adventure and freedom to be yourself.

xx

Favourite Photo Friends

It's really simple. I love how every photo tells a story. Some short stories, some long tales. I want to know what is your favourite photo of yourself. Everyone has one. The photo they look at and smile. It reminds them of something, some time, some place. A moment in time.

So share the photo, share the story and then tag three other people. I want to see photos and stories all around the blogosphere.

I was tagged by Leila @ That Random Leila

I don't have many pictures on my laptop at the moment, but of the ones I do have, this would probably be my favourite:

It was the night of my 25th birthday, and I took this photo as we were heading into the city to have dinner. I was determined to have a fantastic 25th after having so many birthdays that were less memorable, and I had just that. By this time of the night I'd already consumed almost an entire bottle of bubbles (LOL) so I was feeling very happy and in the mood to have loads of fun with my awesome friends. My 25th birthday was definitely a birthday I'd happily relive :)

My turn to tag now, so I'm tagging:
April @ A City Girl in the Country
Lara @ I wanna be a MUA
Kevin @ Something Like That

Adventures, where are you?!

So my life's been a little lacking in adventure post Monday's frivolities. I guess working during the week kind of inhibits one's ability to have adventures, but there's always Friday & Saturday night ... Not this weekend though, and in a way I'm happy with that. It's actually allowing me to be a little more productive at home. Oops.

However, in my desire to be productive this morning, I've hit a roadblock. In trying to organise my room, and actually Hang My Clothes, I discovered that what I thought was the case is the case. A coathanger shortage. Hmph.
I've also realised that I really do need to purchase a chest of drawers. Double hmph. Somehow, I don't think I'm going to be able to transport a chest of drawers - even if flatpacked - from a furniture store to my home on public transport. Bugger. Need to somehow find an inexpensive chest of drawers that can be delivered to my home. Interesting.

Adventurous or what?!

Utter Shock

Wow. I am in such utter shock right now that I just need to write to try and process it.

In my exploration of Facebook, checking out what friends are up to, having a look through the 'Groups' I'm in and seeing if anything's happening, I noticed a group that some of my friends are in and couldn't believe what I was seeing.

A guy that I went to primary school with, granted only for two years but I have fond memories of those two years, committed suicide earlier this year. Reading the words that informed me that he had taking his own life shocked me to the core. Even as an 8/9 year old, you could tell he was the kind of guy who was going to go places. He was incredibly intelligent, and a genuine nice guy. I read the comments that people had written about him and saw that nothing had changed. His friends shared such loving memories of him, it was really touching to read.

I'm all over the place and shocked right now. Remembering the guy I had a crush on in year 3, the guy who taught me how to write so that the letters looked like they would look if shown on a calculator, the guy who I did a project on Cicadas with :)

I could get all deep and thought-provoking about suicide, but I won't. I'll leave it at that, and continue to process the shock and wonder why, but knowing that he was a much-loved guy and destined for great things on this earth.

May he rest in peace.

Down in Funky Town

I have no idea what my problem is at the moment. I'm just blah. Everything is blah. Lacking motivation to do anything. Maybe I'm still recovering from the flu? Maybe it's PMS (highly likely)? The stupidest thing is that I recognise that I'm feeling low/blah/in a funk and I want to get out of it, but I just couldn't be bothered.

Not good. I've re-read my 'Letter to Myself' (well, looked at it and remembered what I told myself) a couple of times, and as soon as I see it it cheers me up, but then I click away from the page and within 10 minutes I'm back down in Funky Town.

I should stop thinking about things and just get up and do them.

Every morning when I'm trying to find something to wear to work, I look at the mess in my room and think 'I should really tidy that up, I'll start it tonight'. Then every evening when I step foot in my room again I think 'Yeah, nah, I'll wait til the weekend'. Then the weekend rolls around and I feel all kinds of crappy at the thought that the only plans I have for the weekend are to do housework. Can you blame me? I know the rewards will be worth it. All my clothes all washed and cleaned and hung up. Until I realise that I don't have enough room in my wardrobe for all my clothes and decide to leave half of them on the floor. Viscious cycle. I'm my worst enemy.

Alright. Enough of the procrastination. I'm going to get off my freaking back (would've said arse, but I'm still lying in bed) and go and do a load of washing and do some other housework. No time like the present, and clean clothes are kind of handy.
I may even unload the dishwasher *faints with shock*

Have a lovely weekend dear readers. Perhaps I'll have more adventures to tell you later.

xx

Letter to Myself

I've been in a bit of a weird headspace the last few days, but I'm getting there. To try and get through it, I decided to send myself an email which I'm going to share here. Maybe you'll get something out of it too?

Sometimes you just need to step back, slow down and take a deep breath.

Take time to stop, think, appreciate all that you have in life.

A roof over your head, food to eat, a steady job. Life itself.

Appreciate the people who appreciate you. If they don’t take the time, they’re not worth your time. Don’t constantly be the one making the effort. The ones who matter will be prepared to make the effort too.

When you’re feeling down, don’t let it overwhelm you. Have a cry, a vent, do what you need to do to cope with it, but don’t let it consume you. Deal with it. Seriously. Not in the harsh ‘HTFU’ sense, but in the ‘Let’s work through this’ sense.

You’ve been through so much already and you’ve Gotten Through It. You Are Strong.

Stop doubting yourself. Wake up every morning and tell yourself that you’re strong. And believe it because it is true.

You may not always feel strong, but trust me, you are. You haven’t give up, yet, have you? You’ve been through worse before and gotten through it. This is nothing. Embrace the person that you are, and embrace the good in your life.

Get up, get out. Go for a walk, go for a run. Take time to be yourself, however you need to do it. Don’t spend so much time inside though. Stop going on the internet so much. Stay in touch with reality. Go and wander around the shops for a while, grab a coffee and people watch. Go into the city and wander around the gardens. Better yet, walk into the city.

Stay in touch with friends and catch up with them regularly. Do some baking and invite them over for coffee and yummy baked treats.

Don’t let people get to you, but if they do, step back look at what they’re saying to you and see if it’s really that bad. If it is, cut them out. You only get one chance at this life, don’t let the toxic people take over and sap your energy like a leech. They’re not worth your time if they can’t appreciate who you are.

The number one thing though, is for You to appreciate You. Appreciate every little thing about yourself. Including the flaws. If you can’t appreciate the flaws, fix them. You need to love the person that you are and be confident in every step you take and every decision you make.

Love life and love yourself.

If I do say so myself, there are some pretty wise words in there. I can be like that at times. Other times I just ramble.

The Person Behind the Blog

I've been trying to think of a story to share with you all. Something that gets deep inside Gemma's mind and gives you a bit of insight into the person sitting at her laptop typing these words.

I'm trying to track back to my childhood and think of a tale to tell, but nothing's coming to mind. It's as though I only have brief memories of my childhood, random flashbacks of things. Nothing that's stayed with me forever and will always be a part of me. Maybe I prefer to forget the past and enjoy the present to ignore the events that I wish had never happened. To remove the dark memories and focus on making future memories brighter.

A part of me wishes I could remember more from my childhood, but when I do try and take myself back, the things I do remember sadden me. It wasn't a traumatic childhood, but I'd prefer a different one if I had the choice. There are people out there who have had worse experiences, and I feel a great sympathy for them. I feel that mine was quite emotionally straining. Some people are shocked when they hear about certain aspects of my childhood. Like the fact that my sister and I were brought up solely by our father. I love him dearly and am eternally thankful for the fact that I had such a wonderful father. A father whose main purpose in life was to ensure the happiness of his two daughters. We have a good relationship now, but I still feel somewhat reserved when I'm sharing my life with him. There are times that I feel like I'm a failure in his eyes. Got a crap UAI in my HSC, dropped out of uni, left my husband at age 22 and moved interstate, divorced at 24. They don't make me less of a person, I know that, but I feel that I should've done more by now.
I remember when I was living with a 'friend', in between leaving my husband and moving to Queensland. A feeling of complete and utter loss and loneliness overwhelmed me and I didn't know what to do. I felt hopeless. Alone. Like a complete and utter failure. I rang my dad in tears, just needing to hear a familiar and reassuring voice. I got that, but not much else. He just said that there was nothing he could do because he was too far away. Then he asked me to never ring him again if I was in that frame of mind. That broke my heart.

My mother and I have had a strange relationship. At times close, at other times distant. When we're close, it feels like we're sisters or good friends rather than mother and daughter. My boyfriends mothers have always loved me. I latch onto them and get close to them, wanting a female figure to look up to. Friendships with females seem to have a tendency to die off for me though. We'll be close, and then slowly drift apart. Much like the on/off relationship I have with my mother.

All through my life, I've looked for someone to latch onto. A companion to spend time with so that I didn't have to spend time with myself. Now I know that I need to spend time with myself, or I can't give all that I am to my partner. I need to admit to myself who I am and be proud of that person. If at any stage I don't feel proud of what I'm doing or who I am, I need to change that. There's only one person in control of my life: me. So I need to take control of it and appreciate what I have to offer. To nurture my finer points, and tweak the not-so-fine.

The person behind the blog isn't really sure who she is some days, but usually, she thinks she's a pretty okay kinda gal.

Monday Madness Recap

So, 'Trudy' and I decided to go to the Pub for lunch yesterday, with the intention of accompanying the meal with a cold beverage or two.
We met at 1pm, I got home some time around 8pm feeling a just a teensy bit boozier than I had when I left home.
Okay, a lot boozier.
What kind of fool goes drinking with 'Trudy' on a Monday afternoon, knowing that they have to work the next day. 'Trudy' can drink. A lot. Without it affecting her much. Gemma ... weelllll ... Not so much. Am impressed with my efforts though. It started off with one beer. Then we decided to buy jugs. We had two between us (or maybe it was three), then I decided I felt like vodka. Then 'Trudy' won a $25 voucher that had to be used that day. No time like the present, hey? So we had a Cosmo each. Then another vodka. Then another Cosmo.
I really shouldn't try and remember how much I drank. My head hurts enough as it is.

I also left with a cute guy's phone number, and by the time I went to sleep last night, I'd scored myself a movie date for Wednesday night. Not with that guy though. He was actually kind of lame. He was all "Any other night but tonight". Pfft. Can only imagine what his very encouraging mates were saying to him after 'Trudy' and I left. Whatev. Neeeeexxxt!
My movie date is with a guy I saw a couple of times pre my last relationship. In my drunken stupor I texted him about "Any other night" guy and he showered me with sms flattery, then suddenly he asks me if I want to go out to a movie. Lucky I was already lying down, or else I would've fallen down. Not from the alcohol. We've never actually been on a date before, and normally the texts I get from him are a little X-Rated and late at night. They keep me very amused. So I was suitably stunned that he wants to actually take me out to the movies.

Will report back after the 'date' has taken place. Until then, I need to get myself ready for work so that I'm in the city early enough to grab a greasy breakfast. Bloody 'Trudy'.



NB: Yes, 'Trudy' is a real person, however 'Trudy' is not her real name. "Any other night" guys friends decided her name is 'Trudy' and I'm running with it. Why the heck not?