Long time no blog. So slack, but then again, I've not really had much to say. Life has been moseying along, working, not much playing, lots of not much-ing actually. Although I did go and visit my family two weeks ago. It was so fantastic to see them, and so hard to leave ...
So hard to leave ... December is going to be a hard month this year. I have no family in Queensland (well, maybe a few distant relatives, but none that I could enjoy the festive season with) and obviously my friends have their own plans. It really hits home how lonely I am. The last two Chrismtas' in Queensland I was in a relationship, and we spent Christmas with his family which was lovely. This year however, it's me myself and I.
I've had offers of lunches and evenings spent with friends. I'm still umming and aahing on the lunch, but the evening sounds like a plan. If I lunch it alone, I plan on indulging in a seafood and champagne lunch, whilst watching several cheesy movies. In theory it sounds lovely, in reality, I think it's going to hurt. Calling dad on Christmas Day will break my heart. I'll be fighting back the tears from the moment I hear his voice.
As soon as this month started, the struggle really began for me to remain happy and 'festive'. I knew deep down though, that this was not just 'festive season blues' and that this was something that I had been avoiding admitting to for a few months. This was me falling deeper into a depressive slump.
After a breakdown at work on Thursday, I headed to the doctor. $69, a lot of tears, a few soggy tissues, and a prescription later, I walked out knowing that my journey out of this hole had begun. He is a fantastic doctor, who let me sit there and sob while I struggled to put into words what I was feeling, apart from telling him that I just wasn't coping with life, that I'd been on medication for depression twice before. Some of his questions made me realise how far I've fallen when they made me sob uncontrollably and all I could do was nod or shake my head for an answer. He gave me the script, told me to take the next day off work to "Just relax!" and requested that I come back in about a month to see how I'm going on the medication and to assess me to see if he thinks I'll need a referral to see a psychologist. I like this plan. I'm glad he didn't just send me off to a psych straight away while my brain was still misfiring, and without me being back on medication to help sort me out.
Depression is something I have lived with on and off for the last 4-5 years. Possibly longer? It takes a pretty big trigger for me to fall right into the slump, and me thinking I'm coping, but still having an internal struggle is really me in a 'not so deep' pothole, rather than the massive pit like ones that see me break down completely. That see me thinking bad bad thoughts.
I know that with the medication, and probably counselling/psychology sessions that I won't stop going to because all of a sudden on things changes to make me happy, that I can deal with this. I'm not going to say "get over this" because I don't believe that depression is cureable. I believe that it's coped with, it's treated, or it's masked. Never cured.
I accept the fact that I have depression. I accept the fact that I need medication to cope with my life. I accept the fact that this is going to be a bad month, so probably the best month for me to have started back on the medication, because a lot of my mood improvement is going to rely on me working in conjunction with the medication. As much as I fight myself to get motivated, to move, to actually be productive, I know that I can do these things. I need to assure myself that it is worth the effort, and getting on the couch isn't really that hard to do.
It's not going to be an easy journey, and I accept that too. I have support from my friends, and work colleagues, though so that will be a major help in this.
I have faith. I will pull myself out of this slump. I will smile and mean it. I will have a happy Christmas.
So hard to leave ... December is going to be a hard month this year. I have no family in Queensland (well, maybe a few distant relatives, but none that I could enjoy the festive season with) and obviously my friends have their own plans. It really hits home how lonely I am. The last two Chrismtas' in Queensland I was in a relationship, and we spent Christmas with his family which was lovely. This year however, it's me myself and I.
I've had offers of lunches and evenings spent with friends. I'm still umming and aahing on the lunch, but the evening sounds like a plan. If I lunch it alone, I plan on indulging in a seafood and champagne lunch, whilst watching several cheesy movies. In theory it sounds lovely, in reality, I think it's going to hurt. Calling dad on Christmas Day will break my heart. I'll be fighting back the tears from the moment I hear his voice.
As soon as this month started, the struggle really began for me to remain happy and 'festive'. I knew deep down though, that this was not just 'festive season blues' and that this was something that I had been avoiding admitting to for a few months. This was me falling deeper into a depressive slump.
After a breakdown at work on Thursday, I headed to the doctor. $69, a lot of tears, a few soggy tissues, and a prescription later, I walked out knowing that my journey out of this hole had begun. He is a fantastic doctor, who let me sit there and sob while I struggled to put into words what I was feeling, apart from telling him that I just wasn't coping with life, that I'd been on medication for depression twice before. Some of his questions made me realise how far I've fallen when they made me sob uncontrollably and all I could do was nod or shake my head for an answer. He gave me the script, told me to take the next day off work to "Just relax!" and requested that I come back in about a month to see how I'm going on the medication and to assess me to see if he thinks I'll need a referral to see a psychologist. I like this plan. I'm glad he didn't just send me off to a psych straight away while my brain was still misfiring, and without me being back on medication to help sort me out.
Depression is something I have lived with on and off for the last 4-5 years. Possibly longer? It takes a pretty big trigger for me to fall right into the slump, and me thinking I'm coping, but still having an internal struggle is really me in a 'not so deep' pothole, rather than the massive pit like ones that see me break down completely. That see me thinking bad bad thoughts.
I know that with the medication, and probably counselling/psychology sessions that I won't stop going to because all of a sudden on things changes to make me happy, that I can deal with this. I'm not going to say "get over this" because I don't believe that depression is cureable. I believe that it's coped with, it's treated, or it's masked. Never cured.
I accept the fact that I have depression. I accept the fact that I need medication to cope with my life. I accept the fact that this is going to be a bad month, so probably the best month for me to have started back on the medication, because a lot of my mood improvement is going to rely on me working in conjunction with the medication. As much as I fight myself to get motivated, to move, to actually be productive, I know that I can do these things. I need to assure myself that it is worth the effort, and getting on the couch isn't really that hard to do.
It's not going to be an easy journey, and I accept that too. I have support from my friends, and work colleagues, though so that will be a major help in this.
I have faith. I will pull myself out of this slump. I will smile and mean it. I will have a happy Christmas.
3 comments:
I'm with you in not feeling festive this month. I have no family in Sydney either (or in Aus for that matter) and the last 4 Christmases, I was in a relationship and spent the day with my partner. Not so this year given that I'm single again. So I get what you mean...not looking forward to the whole Christmas thing. Re your depression, have you ever seen a psychologist? Because you know, you can actually not have to depend on meds for the rest of your life if you get the right form of therapy. It is manageable (you're right...it's not cureable like any mental health problem). Good luck and I hope you are able to manage the depression.
This will be the first Christmas I've ever spent as a single (apart from 10+ years ago when I was a teenager), so it will be an interesting experience.
I have seen a psychologist in the past, it really helped, but I gave it up a bit too early. As soon as something good happened, I pretty much said "Oh life's great, I don't need any more sessions". Big mistake.
This time, regardless of what happens in my life, I plan on making the most of the experience and having regular sessions to help me manage my depression.
I'm sure a time will come when I am actually ready to come of the medication (not convinced to buy a non-professional who decides I don't need them any more), but for now, I'm happy to treat it with medication, and go from there.
Thank you for your comment :)
it must have taken a lot to write this and I thank you for doing so. Seems a lot of people are going through this. This is not my first holiday season in a while that I am single, but the first that I am not "with somebody" if that makes any sense. It can be quite hard at times, but I guess the only to get through it is to make due with what you have. I will be in a new state with my sister and brother-in-law, so while it may suck to watch a couple be a couple, I will be with my family. If you have your cheesy movies, hopefully you have a good time with your cheesy movies.
I really hope the best for your life and that everything works itself out in due time
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