I should wait until Sunday to write this post, but I plan on killing numerous braincells on Saturday night, and doubt I'll be in the mood to write this. Let's be honest, I doubt I'll be in the mood for anything bar mindless television and greasy food (before long, the proprietors of my local takeaway will be able to pick when I've been out the night before).
But I digress ...
So, what I reflecting on, and celebrating? And what is so significant about Sunday?
Sunday marks the 1st anniversary of my freedom, ie. my divorce.
My ex-husband and I seperated early in 2007. I had begun to doubt my place in the relationship, and my feelings towards my him. Add in the fact that I was extremely unhappy with where my life was going (crappy job, and little chance of changing it; spending my days being a 'housewife', at home, alone, dwelling ...) and it wasn't a good time.
We spoke openly and honestly and I confessed that I didn't love him like I once did, and I wasn't sure if I ever could again. My heart was breaking for both of us. I felt like a failure, and I felt like I'd let him down. It appeared that somewhere, deep down, he understood though, because he asked me "If you could ever love me like you used to, would you want to?" (not the exact words, but close to it).
I hesitated, and in that hesitation was my answer. This was the man I had married. The man I had promised to love for the rest of my life, and I couldn't bring myself to say that I did want to love him in the same way as I did when I made that promise.
It was over.
The time between then and now has been liberating, strengthening, emotional. A complete rollercoaster of emotion. It was not a clean break, as there was financial involvement, and I found myself experiencing some incredibly dark days, and some very disturbing emotions. Somehow, I held my head high, soldiered on, and got through it. When I think back on how low I was feeling during my worst days, I'm amazed at my own strength.
I did have some support during the divorce procedure, in the form of my now ex-boyfriend. I'll be eternally thankful to him for being there, and for wiping away my tears. For hugging me, and holding me, and just letting me sob.
The day the divorce papers arrived, I didn't know how to feel. Relief was one, as that chapter of my life was closed, and my ex-husband and I could now go on with our new lives. At the same time though, I felt like a failure. Divorced at 24. I remember signing for the papers, then closing the door and just looking at them. Then I sat on the lounge and cried uncontrollably. I wasn't even sure why I was crying, and I still don't really know. Pick an emotion and there's a good chance I was experiencing it in that moment.
On June 21, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and I had a new lease on life. I was officially divorced. While deep down inside I was still experiencing the sadness, I found the strength to laugh, and to remind myself that I'm only human. I'm not the first person to go through this, and I won't be the last.
It was the best decision for both him and I. We've both now moved on. He recently became a father, and I recently became single again. When we were together, I was the one desperately wanting to start a family, and he was the one who was happy for things to keep going as they were and just enjoy life together. Funny how things change. Now the idea of having children scares the shit out of me to be honest. I couldn't be happier with my life though. Sure, I still have crappy days, but if I look at all the good in my life, I'd be a fool to complain.
I don't regret getting married, but I do regret the fact that I couldn't stay true to my marriage vows. I also regret the fact that I've made my ex-husband apprehensive about marrying again. He doesn't deserve to feel that.
Normally, when it comes to regret, I prefer to say "Mistakes made, lessons learnt", but sometimes the mistakes are a little too big to be considered mistakes. So I'll allow myself that one regret. Wedding vows should never be considered a mistake, and in that moment, I did believe every word I said.
Onwards and upwards, I'm being true to myself, and in turn, I'm being true to him. I wish him every success in life, and I hope that he feels the same.
Here's to life, adventure and freedom to be yourself.
xx
