2000-2009

A few of my fellow bloggers have summarised the last decade as a bit of a reflection, so I thought I'd do the same.

What have I done in the last ten years?
• Became a big sister • Made my debut • Got my licence • Became an aunty • Completed the HSC • Had my heart broken at the thought that I wouldn't get into uni • Broke the heart of my high school boyfriend • Starting dating who I thought was 'Mr Right' • Got into uni • Moved out of home • Got engaged • Watched my father-in-law die of cancer • Quit uni • Depression began • Moved 3 hours away from my family • Became an aunty again • Got married • Moved back to live with my husband • Depression reared it's ugly head again • Seperated from my husband • Moved further and further away • Moved about 8 times in one year, including a move to Queensland • Explored my 'wild side' • Quit a job via fax • Fell into an awesome job • Started a relationship • Spent my first Christmas ever away from my family • Got divorced • Earned 3 payrises • Ended a relationship • Got three tattoos • Discovered more of Gemma • Made some fabulous friends • Depression kicks in again • Found contentment

Wowzers. Looking at it like that, it's been an eventful decade (which I kinda knew already). I wouldn't change it though. Despite the extreme lows that I have had, and as cliche as this will sound, they have all contributed to the person I am today, and you know what? I like her. Most days.

Here's to an awesome 2010, and no doubt another interesting decade to come. Let's hope there are more high highs than low lows though.

xx

Not so Delightful December

Long time no blog. So slack, but then again, I've not really had much to say. Life has been moseying along, working, not much playing, lots of not much-ing actually. Although I did go and visit my family two weeks ago. It was so fantastic to see them, and so hard to leave ...

So hard to leave ... December is going to be a hard month this year. I have no family in Queensland (well, maybe a few distant relatives, but none that I could enjoy the festive season with) and obviously my friends have their own plans. It really hits home how lonely I am. The last two Chrismtas' in Queensland I was in a relationship, and we spent Christmas with his family which was lovely. This year however, it's me myself and I.

I've had offers of lunches and evenings spent with friends. I'm still umming and aahing on the lunch, but the evening sounds like a plan. If I lunch it alone, I plan on indulging in a seafood and champagne lunch, whilst watching several cheesy movies. In theory it sounds lovely, in reality, I think it's going to hurt. Calling dad on Christmas Day will break my heart. I'll be fighting back the tears from the moment I hear his voice.

As soon as this month started, the struggle really began for me to remain happy and 'festive'. I knew deep down though, that this was not just 'festive season blues' and that this was something that I had been avoiding admitting to for a few months. This was me falling deeper into a depressive slump.

After a breakdown at work on Thursday, I headed to the doctor. $69, a lot of tears, a few soggy tissues, and a prescription later, I walked out knowing that my journey out of this hole had begun. He is a fantastic doctor, who let me sit there and sob while I struggled to put into words what I was feeling, apart from telling him that I just wasn't coping with life, that I'd been on medication for depression twice before. Some of his questions made me realise how far I've fallen when they made me sob uncontrollably and all I could do was nod or shake my head for an answer. He gave me the script, told me to take the next day off work to "Just relax!" and requested that I come back in about a month to see how I'm going on the medication and to assess me to see if he thinks I'll need a referral to see a psychologist. I like this plan. I'm glad he didn't just send me off to a psych straight away while my brain was still misfiring, and without me being back on medication to help sort me out.

Depression is something I have lived with on and off for the last 4-5 years. Possibly longer? It takes a pretty big trigger for me to fall right into the slump, and me thinking I'm coping, but still having an internal struggle is really me in a 'not so deep' pothole, rather than the massive pit like ones that see me break down completely. That see me thinking bad bad thoughts.
I know that with the medication, and probably counselling/psychology sessions that I won't stop going to because all of a sudden on things changes to make me happy, that I can deal with this. I'm not going to say "get over this" because I don't believe that depression is cureable. I believe that it's coped with, it's treated, or it's masked. Never cured.
I accept the fact that I have depression. I accept the fact that I need medication to cope with my life. I accept the fact that this is going to be a bad month, so probably the best month for me to have started back on the medication, because a lot of my mood improvement is going to rely on me working in conjunction with the medication. As much as I fight myself to get motivated, to move, to actually be productive, I know that I can do these things. I need to assure myself that it is worth the effort, and getting on the couch isn't really that hard to do.
It's not going to be an easy journey, and I accept that too. I have support from my friends, and work colleagues, though so that will be a major help in this.

I have faith. I will pull myself out of this slump. I will smile and mean it. I will have a happy Christmas.

Blah-ness

This week was a bit of a nothing week, hence the lack of blogging. I get like that sometimes; loads of things to blog about one week, bugger all the next.

I've just been working, eating and sleeping. Oh, and I went to the movies with my housemate on Thursday night and had myself a little adventure on the way. Scared the shit out of me, but once resolved I couldn't stop laughing. It's too embarrassing to share here though. Yes, it was THAT bad!

Plans for Europe are still in place. Only thing I can do at the moment is save, and I'm trying, but I'm a shocker with money. I'll get there though. If I'm meant to go, I'll reach my goal. Disgustingly positive attitude, and not entirely practical, but that's how I roll peeps, that's how I roll. I did make a 'Europe related purchase' this week actually. I was in a store and spotted a rather nice coat. A nearby sign suggested that it was 30% off but I wasn't certain and needed to start heading back to the office. So I checked online and found (if not the same one, then a very similar one!) the jacket - for less than the instore price! I purchased that little baby, and now it's being shipped to me. You're going to think me insane for saying this, but I hope it stays cold here in 'sunny' Queensland for a little while longer, just so I can trial run my new coat.
Here she is:
I bought her in black. She's not as pretty, or quite as practical, as the one I lusted after a few posts back (I did go and check that one out IRL though, and lusted some more) but she was also considerably less. In black, she's going to look way stylish. I'll try and remember to show her off when she arrives.

Aside from happy things like adventures and coat purchases, I've had a bit of an emotional week. Riding the good ol' rollercoaster of life. Happy as Larry (maybe I should change my name to Larry and then I'll be happy all the time?!) one minute, in tears the next. Okay, maybe not quite that emotional, but certainly within the space of a day I've gone from sublime happiness to tears and 'why me?' thoughts. I've been wondering lately if I should go back to a psychologist. I saw one about 18 months ago, but stopped seeing her earlier than I should've. Stupid emotions making me think I was 'better' than I was. If I can find the time and money, I think I might. Would be nice to be able to vent and have a sounding board.

I'm trying to stay upbeat and in love with life, to focus on the positives and appreciate what I do have. Like friends who decide at 10pm on a Friday night that they feel like eggs so we should do breakfast the following day. And the ability to work paid overtime to help out with savings for my European Adventure. And getting dolled up to celebrate a friends birthday. A fun day ahead - if I don't think about the housework too.

Happy weekend, readers

xx

Challenge 7: Fifteen Facts

Blog This Challenge 7
Tell us fifteen facinating, far fetched, frightening, funny or frivilous facts about yourself. Those bits of trivia that are floating around in your life.

Can you eat 10 burgers in one sitting? Do you sleep with your eyes open? Can you tie a cherry stalk into a knot? Speak 5 different languages?

All those things that you've bored your friends and family with for years - We want to know.

1. I'm currently addicted to scarves. I can't wear them often enough. I heart them.
2. I once had 12 inches cut off my hair. It felt so liberating. I doubt I'll ever grow my hair that long again. It's currently about 4 inches long all over.
3. I have the ability to drive a manual car, but haven't done so in over 2 years. I'm considering hiring a car one day just to refresh my memory.
4. I've fallen asleep with my eyes open, and conducted a conversation with my dad while I was sleeping. I remembered the conversation, but had hoped it was a bad dream, as it was about a neighbour who had passed away.
5. I'm terrible at keeping in touch with people, and often consider getting back into contact with people from my past but don't because I feel slack for not having been a better friend.
6. I'm a hopless romantic. I believe that 'Prince Charming' is out there somewhere.
7. I get bored easily and almost constantly seek excitement.
8. I loathe the number 6, and am not particularly keen on the number 13 either. I will go out of my way to avoid the number 6. If I'm reading a book before I go to sleep, I will hesitantly stop at the end of chapter 5, and convince myself that I can stop there because I've only read 5 chapters. If I stop at the end of chapter 6, I tell myself it's okay because I'm up to chapter 7.
9. Once upon a time I didn't like the taste of coffee, now I love my caffiene fix in the morning and really appreciate a great coffee.
10. I love to cook, but don't cook proper meals often enough. This is partially due to not having the motivation to cook for myself, and partially because I don't like being the first to taste my food.
11. I fear death.
12. I don't tell people what the fondest memory I have of my pa is because I'm afraid they'll think bad things about him. I doubt society today would look at it in the same fond light as I do. That saddens me.
13. I can't remember the last time I told my father I loved him, but I do and he means the world to me.
14. I don't get to see my family as often as I would like, but I don't like to go to the area they live in as it upsets me and makes me feel uncomfortable. It no longer feels like home.
15. I have a secret that I'd love to share with you all, but I'm afraid you'd laugh at me and I don't handle criticism well.

The Person Behind the Blog

I've been trying to think of a story to share with you all. Something that gets deep inside Gemma's mind and gives you a bit of insight into the person sitting at her laptop typing these words.

I'm trying to track back to my childhood and think of a tale to tell, but nothing's coming to mind. It's as though I only have brief memories of my childhood, random flashbacks of things. Nothing that's stayed with me forever and will always be a part of me. Maybe I prefer to forget the past and enjoy the present to ignore the events that I wish had never happened. To remove the dark memories and focus on making future memories brighter.

A part of me wishes I could remember more from my childhood, but when I do try and take myself back, the things I do remember sadden me. It wasn't a traumatic childhood, but I'd prefer a different one if I had the choice. There are people out there who have had worse experiences, and I feel a great sympathy for them. I feel that mine was quite emotionally straining. Some people are shocked when they hear about certain aspects of my childhood. Like the fact that my sister and I were brought up solely by our father. I love him dearly and am eternally thankful for the fact that I had such a wonderful father. A father whose main purpose in life was to ensure the happiness of his two daughters. We have a good relationship now, but I still feel somewhat reserved when I'm sharing my life with him. There are times that I feel like I'm a failure in his eyes. Got a crap UAI in my HSC, dropped out of uni, left my husband at age 22 and moved interstate, divorced at 24. They don't make me less of a person, I know that, but I feel that I should've done more by now.
I remember when I was living with a 'friend', in between leaving my husband and moving to Queensland. A feeling of complete and utter loss and loneliness overwhelmed me and I didn't know what to do. I felt hopeless. Alone. Like a complete and utter failure. I rang my dad in tears, just needing to hear a familiar and reassuring voice. I got that, but not much else. He just said that there was nothing he could do because he was too far away. Then he asked me to never ring him again if I was in that frame of mind. That broke my heart.

My mother and I have had a strange relationship. At times close, at other times distant. When we're close, it feels like we're sisters or good friends rather than mother and daughter. My boyfriends mothers have always loved me. I latch onto them and get close to them, wanting a female figure to look up to. Friendships with females seem to have a tendency to die off for me though. We'll be close, and then slowly drift apart. Much like the on/off relationship I have with my mother.

All through my life, I've looked for someone to latch onto. A companion to spend time with so that I didn't have to spend time with myself. Now I know that I need to spend time with myself, or I can't give all that I am to my partner. I need to admit to myself who I am and be proud of that person. If at any stage I don't feel proud of what I'm doing or who I am, I need to change that. There's only one person in control of my life: me. So I need to take control of it and appreciate what I have to offer. To nurture my finer points, and tweak the not-so-fine.

The person behind the blog isn't really sure who she is some days, but usually, she thinks she's a pretty okay kinda gal.

So, who is Gemma?

There's no short or definitive answer to that question, I'll still discovering the answer myself, and I've been Gemma for nearly 25 years now. I guess I'll never know who I really am, but I like that. I like that every day I discover something new about myself, and that I'm exploring the many facets of Gemma as I explore the many facets of life.

A few random facts about me:

• I'm one of two daughters for my father, and one of three daughters for my mother
• I haven't had my natural hair colour in about ten years
• My favourite physical features about myself are my smile and my eyes
• I took piano lessons from age 7 to 16, and miss having a piano in my house
• I once moved 10 times within 8 months, but I wouldn't recommend it to others
• I fall in love far too easily, then become a heartbreaker
• I'm a Gemini by starsign, and I feel that I'm very Gemini by nature
• I love music and rarely a day goes by when I don't listen to music
• As an early 25th birthday present to myself, I got a tattoo that combines the two above facts about myself
• The tattoo bug has now bitten me, and I am planning my second one
• My favourite way to spend a Friday night is out on the town dancing the night away
• I'm somewhat disorganised and messy, but at the same time I can be somewhat of a perfectionist and feel a need to have things well-planned
  

...

I could probably go on, but I won't. I'll leave it at that for now, and hopefully be back blogging again soon.

xx