19 Minutes ... And counting!

2010 is nearly upon those of residing in the lovely state of Queensland. It's already ticked over in several Australian states, and I'm already feeling a little teary and sentimental. That could be the alcohol talking though.

As per my previous post, the last decade was an eventful one, but I wouldn't change any of it because I'm pretty fond of the Gemma I am now, and all of those decisions have contributed to who I am now.

I look forward to 2010 being another eventful year, but eventful in a good way. I look forward to breakfasts with two of my favourite girls in the whole world, and to chatting over cocktails with those same to girls. I look forward to moving into a new place, meeting new people and making new friends.

I look forward to starting courses to give me some qualifications in my industry. I look forward to further coming out of my shell.

14 minutes to go. Goodbye 2009, and welcome 2010.

xx

2000-2009

A few of my fellow bloggers have summarised the last decade as a bit of a reflection, so I thought I'd do the same.

What have I done in the last ten years?
• Became a big sister • Made my debut • Got my licence • Became an aunty • Completed the HSC • Had my heart broken at the thought that I wouldn't get into uni • Broke the heart of my high school boyfriend • Starting dating who I thought was 'Mr Right' • Got into uni • Moved out of home • Got engaged • Watched my father-in-law die of cancer • Quit uni • Depression began • Moved 3 hours away from my family • Became an aunty again • Got married • Moved back to live with my husband • Depression reared it's ugly head again • Seperated from my husband • Moved further and further away • Moved about 8 times in one year, including a move to Queensland • Explored my 'wild side' • Quit a job via fax • Fell into an awesome job • Started a relationship • Spent my first Christmas ever away from my family • Got divorced • Earned 3 payrises • Ended a relationship • Got three tattoos • Discovered more of Gemma • Made some fabulous friends • Depression kicks in again • Found contentment

Wowzers. Looking at it like that, it's been an eventful decade (which I kinda knew already). I wouldn't change it though. Despite the extreme lows that I have had, and as cliche as this will sound, they have all contributed to the person I am today, and you know what? I like her. Most days.

Here's to an awesome 2010, and no doubt another interesting decade to come. Let's hope there are more high highs than low lows though.

xx

Friendship

Throughout my life, I've been one of those people that's had many acquaintances and a few close friends, but the close friendships always seem to have their 'time' then dissipate.

Now though, I finally feel as though I have close friendships that will continue as we grow older and continue on our journeys through life. Friendships that won't just have 'their time'.

It's taken me a long time to find them, but I'm happy to have waited given how wonderful the friendships are. These are the friends I can turn to when I'm at my worst and know that they will do what they can to pick me back up, and I would do the same for them.

I'm so grateful for my beautiful friends.

xx

Tuesday Morning Ramble

Just a quick post before I jump into the shower (not literally, that could cause injury).

The side effects seem to be wearing off now. I knew this week would be easier as I'm on the late shift, which means I don't start work til 10.30 and can allow myself a lot longer to wake up in the morning - although this morning my body clock thought 5.30 would be a good time to wake up. Nice.
Having said that, as I was sitting on the bus on the way to work yesterday I felt so completely out of it. On another planet out of it. Freaking out out of it. I contemplated getting off the bus and getting on the first one back home.
I soldiered on though, and made it through work. After a particularly bad thought on the way to the bus stop I decided that it would be best for me to see a counsellor sooner rather than later, so I made the most of work resources and have scheduled a counselling session for Thursday afternoon. As soon as I hung up the phone after making the appointment, I felt relieved. Whilst there's not really a lot that can be done to alleviate my current blahness and blues, it'll be good to speak to someone and just get my thoughts out.

I'd love to write more, but I really must start getting ready. I have a desk to pack up and tidy, and 3.5 hours of systems testing to do. Oh what joy.

xx

Welcome to Side Effect City

Despite having been on this particular medication twice before, this time around, I'm being hit with some horrid side effects.

Nausea, insomnia, dizziness, vagueness. Oh what joy. When I'm on the 'early shift' (7.30 start) I wake up at around 5.30 and it takes me until about 10am to actually be 'with it'. Those first couple of hours of the work day, I'm in a dazed auto-pilot mode. Ridiculous. Dizziness is usually at it's worst then too (I take the medication in the morning with my breakfast, so this is probably why they're in full swing then), to the point where I feel as though I may faint. Fun times.

The insomnia is the worst part though. I can be absolutely dog-tired, and want and need to sleep, but it just doesn't happen. It's so frustrating! No afternoon naps for me! At night, I take a herbal sleeping tablet, and let that work it's magic, even those take longer than they should to kick in though. Generally, you're supposed to take one half an hour before bed. I have to take one at least an hour beforehand. I tend to get better/deeper sleep when I take them though, so it's not all bad.

On the plus side of the medication, I'm feeling a lot less 'blah' and am no longer crying for no apparent reason in the morning. The 'can't be bothered' feeling has disappeared, although at times the 'slow on the uptake' feeling feels a little like the 'can't be bothered' one, hahaha.
At this stage, a lot of this is probably just a mind-game, because it will take a few more days for the medication to really kick in properly, but any improvement is a win for me. (Having said that, the side effects are that bad today that I've called in sick to work. Sigh.)

The thought of Christmas being only two weeks ago excites me more than upsets me now. I'm going to enjoy my morning and lunch to myself, doing whatever I please. Might as well make the most of solo Christmas's before the future of hectic two-family-children-everywhere Christmas's hits me in years to come. (No, I'm not revealing anything there. Just suggesting that in the future, Christmas's may well be like that rather than seeing me sitting on the couch indulging in a solo seafood lunch).

On that note, I need to switch the brain off.

Happy Friday, readers.

xx

Not so Delightful December

Long time no blog. So slack, but then again, I've not really had much to say. Life has been moseying along, working, not much playing, lots of not much-ing actually. Although I did go and visit my family two weeks ago. It was so fantastic to see them, and so hard to leave ...

So hard to leave ... December is going to be a hard month this year. I have no family in Queensland (well, maybe a few distant relatives, but none that I could enjoy the festive season with) and obviously my friends have their own plans. It really hits home how lonely I am. The last two Chrismtas' in Queensland I was in a relationship, and we spent Christmas with his family which was lovely. This year however, it's me myself and I.

I've had offers of lunches and evenings spent with friends. I'm still umming and aahing on the lunch, but the evening sounds like a plan. If I lunch it alone, I plan on indulging in a seafood and champagne lunch, whilst watching several cheesy movies. In theory it sounds lovely, in reality, I think it's going to hurt. Calling dad on Christmas Day will break my heart. I'll be fighting back the tears from the moment I hear his voice.

As soon as this month started, the struggle really began for me to remain happy and 'festive'. I knew deep down though, that this was not just 'festive season blues' and that this was something that I had been avoiding admitting to for a few months. This was me falling deeper into a depressive slump.

After a breakdown at work on Thursday, I headed to the doctor. $69, a lot of tears, a few soggy tissues, and a prescription later, I walked out knowing that my journey out of this hole had begun. He is a fantastic doctor, who let me sit there and sob while I struggled to put into words what I was feeling, apart from telling him that I just wasn't coping with life, that I'd been on medication for depression twice before. Some of his questions made me realise how far I've fallen when they made me sob uncontrollably and all I could do was nod or shake my head for an answer. He gave me the script, told me to take the next day off work to "Just relax!" and requested that I come back in about a month to see how I'm going on the medication and to assess me to see if he thinks I'll need a referral to see a psychologist. I like this plan. I'm glad he didn't just send me off to a psych straight away while my brain was still misfiring, and without me being back on medication to help sort me out.

Depression is something I have lived with on and off for the last 4-5 years. Possibly longer? It takes a pretty big trigger for me to fall right into the slump, and me thinking I'm coping, but still having an internal struggle is really me in a 'not so deep' pothole, rather than the massive pit like ones that see me break down completely. That see me thinking bad bad thoughts.
I know that with the medication, and probably counselling/psychology sessions that I won't stop going to because all of a sudden on things changes to make me happy, that I can deal with this. I'm not going to say "get over this" because I don't believe that depression is cureable. I believe that it's coped with, it's treated, or it's masked. Never cured.
I accept the fact that I have depression. I accept the fact that I need medication to cope with my life. I accept the fact that this is going to be a bad month, so probably the best month for me to have started back on the medication, because a lot of my mood improvement is going to rely on me working in conjunction with the medication. As much as I fight myself to get motivated, to move, to actually be productive, I know that I can do these things. I need to assure myself that it is worth the effort, and getting on the couch isn't really that hard to do.
It's not going to be an easy journey, and I accept that too. I have support from my friends, and work colleagues, though so that will be a major help in this.

I have faith. I will pull myself out of this slump. I will smile and mean it. I will have a happy Christmas.

More ink?

Tattoos really are addictive. I got my first in May of this year, my second in July, and today I've sketched up some potential designs for my third. Three in one year. Hmm. At this rate I should have my body covered in how many years? (Fear not, readers, I do not intend on getting that many tattoos).

So what are you thinking for tattoo number three, I hear you ask (or at least, the voices in my head suggest you're asking)?
For this one, I want cherry blossoms on my hip at the front. My descriptions of tattoo locations unless blindingly obvious (eg. inside of my wrist) are, quite frankly, pathetic, so that's the best description you're getting from me on the location until such time as I have said tattoo permanently marked onto my body.
Google searches failed to give me much inspiration on the exact tattoo I'm after, so out came the newly purchased pencil and sketchbook and I whipped up a few designs. For your viewing pleasure, if you're that way inclined, I present to you the first draft, very roughly sketched options for my next inking:

(The last one would also go from side to side like the other two, I just forgot to rotate it before I uploaded it, and I'm feeling a little tired and lazy at the moment so CBF changing it)

I think I might incorporate some colour into this tattoo too, probably pink.

Singledom

So I'm sitting here, home alone, on a Saturday night / wee small hours of Sunday morning watching a re-run of Good News Week chuckling along, until I start to get a little annoyed.

Apparently last Thursday was Australia's inaugural National Singles Day. The coupled up members of the panel found this quite amusing and proceeded to pretty much bag out singles. Suggesting that there would be a triathlon consisting of "Crying, crying and masturbating". Nice. Yes, a part of me can see the humour, but I've been a bit jack of being single at the moment so it did irk me somewhat.

Why is it that if you're single you seem to be treated as somewhat of a social pariah by non-single friends? I know I'm not the only one who's experienced this. I've chatted to two other friends about this recently and they have totally understood what I was talking about, where I was coming from and they too had experienced it. One even told me of being invited to a friend's birthday party. There were several couples, and him. He felt so completely uncomfortable that he gave the birthday girl the money for his meal, and left before it had even come out to the table. He explained that he didn't feel comfortable, and left. Several months later (eight or so!) she spoke to him and apologised for what had happened and said she could now see why he felt so uncomfortable. Regardless of the apology, surely she would've realised when doing the inviting that the numbers weren't exactly balanced.

Now, I've not spent much of my life as a single gal. Between my ex-husband and my ex-boyfriend there was an eight month gap (a very messed up eight month gap that I really didn't enjoy or use to my advantage) and this time around I've been single for nearly 6 months. I'm certainly enjoying it a lot more this time, I'm enjoying learning more about myself and enjoying having time to myself, to make my own decisions and to live my life as I see fit. What I don't enjoy is feeling like I have some kind of disease because I'm not in a relationship.

I would rather be single and happy, then in a relationship and unhappy. Simple as that. Funnily enough, I'm at a point in my life where I'm the most 'ready' for a relationship that I've ever been, and the whole 'being single' is starting to shit me to tears, but it was still my decision to put myself in this position and I still stand by that decision. This decision does not make me socially inept. It makes me a strong and independent woman who's not afraid to get what she wants. Can everyone in a relationship say that about themselves I wonder?

Okay, hackles down now. Apologies for the long hiatus between blogs!

Signed,
Single, it's a way of life, not a disease.

Gratitude

Inspired by another bloggers latest post, I've decided to blog about the things I am grateful for today. Positivity out = positivity in.

Today I am grateful for ...

• the roof over my head and the warm blankets on my bed
• having the day off to sort out some issues and just enjoy Being Gemma
• my friends who are near and dear to me, who I know I can turn to when I am down and they will accept that, listen to my worries and, where possible, try to help
• the sun shining brightly outside - I think I might have a backyard picnic for lunch

What are you grateful for?

What'll They Think of Next?!

A little over two weeks ago, I succumbed to the pressure & ordered me an iPhone. (Pressure & it became available on the plan I was already on, who wouldn't cave?)
I digress. So on Monday last week, I became a mother. The child? My iPhone. I am in love, it has become my child. I've stopped short of naming it, but that doesn't seem like such a bad idea... Digressing again! Oops! So, now I has me an iPhone which in turn means I'm accumulating some funky apps. Apps that allow me to Tweet on the go, feed my Facebook addiction where'er I be and, as of this morning, one that's enabling me to compose this post while travelling on the bus to work. For someone who loves to multitask, this baby of mine is a delight.
And to think I'd spent so long saying that my previous mobile (the uberest of uber basic phones) would do the job & finding numerous reasons why I needn't give in & get an iPhone.
I shall now hang my head in shame.

Happy Thursday readers, one sleep til Friday xx

*knock knock* Anyone home?

It's been a while since I've last blogged. I've been meaning to blog, but have lacked ideas for posts. Life is moseying along nicely, with nothing noteworthy to report.

August already? Where is this year going?! Yesterday marked 4 months of singledom. That time has flown and they've been an interesting but fantastic 4 months. In that time friendships have grown, and new ones made. A couple lost along the way, but in love and frienships, if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.

Life continues to be wonderful. The rollercoaster seems to have turned into a lovely steady train ride. There was a slight derailment just recently, but that ended up being a blessing in disguise. As mentally draining as it was, I think I needed the release. It was also great to share that moment with M, as we were able to learn more about each other. He's seen me at my worst now, but is still willing to be in my life, so I'm a happy camper.

Physically I'm not feeling *quite* so wonderful, but that's my own fault. I've decided it's time for a health-makeover. My stomach hasn't been happy with me lately, so it's time to listen to my body and to nourish it with good food, and a lot less fast food. If I've got the energy to walk to the shops and buy crap for dinner, I've got the energy to stand in the kitchen and cook a proper meal.
I'm sick of looking down and seeing a gut. The scales might tell me a number I'm happy with, but the reflection in the mirror isn't one I'm quite as happy about. Bye-bye flab, hello fab.

On that delightful note, I should probably start getting ready for work. We've moved up in the world and are a whole floor higher than we were last week. I'm happy with the seating arrangement for the first time ever, so it'll be a nice change.

Happy Monday readers, and I hope your lives are moseying along nicely too.

Productivity

I'm having a 'Gemma Day' today. My company allows employees to have two 'Special Needs Leave' days per year of employment, so a couple of weeks ago, during a bout of stress, I decided to book one in and have a day to myself.

I plan on overhauling my wardrobe and aagetting a better organised to chaos ratio happening. I've started already and have discovered two things: 1- I own far too much dark clothing. You'd be forgiven for thinking I had emo tendencies; 2- I'm fairly certain my clothing breeds. Seriously. I got rid of numerous bags of clothing before I moved here in April, and I'm culling more clothes now. I know I've bought clothes since, but these are old items that I'm throwing out. My clothes are breeding. That's my excuse.
I'm also going to reduce the number of hanging clothes I have. I don't have a chest of drawers or anything, but I'm going to have tubs for my pjs and gym clothes so that I can actually look through the clothes that are hanging. At the moment, the clothes either hang or live in piles in my room. Oops. Time to make my room more like a haven and less like a hovel!

Furthering my homely duties today, I'm going to cook up a storm. Well, not literally, I'm fresh out of thunder and couldn't find any at the supermarket. Ba boom tish.
What's on the menu?
Anzac Biscuits (excuse my modesty, but I make fricken awesome Anzac biscuits!), peppermint-choc chip muffins (never made them before, but was looking at the essences and decided that peppermint looked like a good choice!), and either tuna bake or creamy pasta bake.
Nommedy nom noms.

Once all of my domestic duties have been completed, it'll be time to indulge in some DVD watching which will no doubt continue into the evening. Why the heck not, hey?

Happy Friday readers

xx

Clarity

So. I did what I had to do and I'm sure the time that I am posting this (9.35pm) is indicative of how well it went.

However, I am glad that I am home at this time. I tried to enjoy myself but my heart wasn't in it, and I knew it wasn't where I'm supposed to be.
I'm really glad that that was the case too, because I'm liking, no LOVING, the way my life is going at the moment and I really didn't want to throw a spanner in the works. I'm happy to mosey along with things they way I have been and enjoy each day.

I got some fantastic news today too. Looks like it's going to be three fabulous weekends in a row for me.

Dear readers, I hope you are all as happy with your lives right now as I am with mine. If not, I hope you find that happiness very very soon.

xx

Cryptic Confusion

I'm doing something tonight that I've put off twice now. I even considered putting it off again. Until last night, when I was looking at my Facebook profile and saw the lyrics I have underneath my picture. The same lyrics I have on my wall above my mirror: "Don't hold back and always know, all the answers will unfold". These lyrics come from the song Soar, by Christina Aguilera.* (Don't hold it against me that I like her music, this song got me through a LOT of crap times. Also, my music taste is actually quite broad, so some pop is bound to sneak in there).

"Don't hold back" were the words that hit home and made me think 'What the heck, might as well do it and see what happens'. So I'm going to do it. And see what happens.

I'm nervous and still considering being too sick to go, which may not be too far from the truth as I do have a bit of a cold at the moment. Not to mention it's probably going to be a pain in the arse to get there. I'd feel bad if I tried to postpone or cancel again though. So I have to just go, enjoy myself, and see what happens.
My task for the day - focus on those lyrics.

xx

*please excuse the crappy vision on that you-tube clip. I wanted to link the song rather than just the lyrics, and I just clicked on the first one that came up in the search. Meh.

You Know You're ... When ...

(A fun post for a sleepy Tuesday evening)

You know you're short when you buy a pair of 'short length' pants and they still need to be taken up!
You know you're a bargain hunter when you pay $33.90 for $79.97 worth of items!
You know you're PMSing when you snap at one of your nicest colleagues (oops!)
You know you're tired when you couldn't be bothered thinking of any more 'You know you're ... whens' after only three.

Share you 'You know you're ... whens'

xx

Ink, Wonderful Ink

Yesterday I sat through an hour or so of needle-induced discomfort and allowed a strange man to permanently mark my skin.
This is the result:
I love them. They're making sitting, sleeping and wearing clothes difficult, but they're worth it. They've certainly dulled my desire for more ink - for a while at least. This experience was certainly more painful than the last, but these two babies are considerably larger than my first one! The pain itself was bearable, and as I told a potential customer outside the parlour, it's a good pain, and if hurt that much, people wouldn't get them.

Oh, and this was just one part of another awesome weekend.

Did I mention I love life right now?

xx

Friendship, Exercise & New Ink

This last week has been fantastic. M and I have been chatting every night and we had a sleepover last night to watch State of Origin. It was such a fantastic night. Once again, I felt ridiculously comfortable in his presence. Such an awesome feeling :)

He's encouraging me to get my butt into gear and exercise. I was all ready to sit in my room and veg out online in my trackie-dacks, but somehow he convinced me to go the gym, so off I went and did a pretty full-on cardio workout. Now I've got the bug again, and am seriously considering walking home from work tomorrow (about 5kms). I need to get myself fit and do some serious training for the Bridge to Brisbane which is fast approaching (30th August). I'm determined to beat last years time, which I'm sure I'll do fairly comfortably, but I'd really like to better it by about 9 minutes.

And in other news, I booked myself in for my next tattoo! At 3pm on Saturday, this happy little blogger will arrive at the tattoo parlour, and shortly after, the needle will hit the skin and the inking will begin! I'm getting two wings on my lower back. I'll be sure to post pictures. A sure indication that ink is addictive - I got my first only 10 weeks ago!

Hope everything is well for you all, dear readers .
xx

High On Life

Don't say I didn't warn you that I ride quite the emotional rollercoaster!!

Here I am, back at the top of the rollercoaster, and I'm hoping I stay up here for a while. Not keen to go zooming back down thanks!

It all started with a fantastic weekend. I met my new friend M, and ended up spending the next 36 hours with him. They were 36 of the most awesome hours ever. I haven't felt that comfortable in someones presence for a long time (ever?). I can't even remember the last time I spent that much time with someone! No awkwardness, just awesomeness. It really makes me smile.

Today was a bit of a blah day at work, and I did have a bit of a whinge to my colleague at lunchtime. I also very nearly fell asleep. Oops.

A second wind hit me when I got home though (or perhaps it was the sugar from the chocolate I had) and I was disgustingly/delightfully productive. I went for a walk to return a DVD (was cranky with myself for not wearing the appropriate clothing to jog! Shock!), before I left I put a load of washing on. I cooked myself a proper-ish meal, transferred the clothes to the dryer, coloured my hair, shaved legs and armpits ... Unheard of for me on a weeknight! Especially a Monday night!

Then it all improved when I was invited to watch State of Origin with M on Wednesday night. I'm really looking forward to hanging out with him again. Oh, and bless him, he's even going to pick me up from work and drop me off in the morning. He's seriously a totally lovely guy, and I feel so happy to have met him. Yes, I realise I'm talking about 'Yet Another Guy' but meh. I'm single and I'll do what I want. I have faith that this is the start of a wonderful friendship.

Right now, my life rocks.

Beginning the Ascent

Okay, so, my last post was work related. I'd hit a really low point, and was ready to bail. Now, with a clearer head, I know that it's not the wisest idea unless I can find a totally awesome job somewhere. I work for a huge company, and was incredibly lucky to get my position as my boss does not normally hire peope without experience, yet after a 6 week stint as a temp, I was offered a permanent position. In my first year of employment I received two bonuses, two pay-rises and several 'well done' vouchers along the way. I'd be stupid to leave a job like this in a hurry. So I'm going to wait it out, and try and find other ways to fill my life with joy.

For the most part, I do enjoy my job. I enjoy the fact that I do play an important role and I am needed. It'd be nice if a little extra appreciation was thrown my way, but I've just got to 'suck it up, buttercup'. I know that the people who count know that I do a good job, and when crunch time arrives, I am recognised for my efforts. Just being a whinger. Hehe.

So now I begin the ascent back up the rollercoaster.

Time For a Change

I can't say too much at the moment, but I've reached breaking point and there's a certain aspect of my life that needs to change. A girl can only take so much ...